Good News, I'm Just Like You |
My Suspected Super-Powers turn out to be a farce |
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Ok, now
if for some reason you don't believe any of what i'm about
to tell you feel free to contact fellow staff member Hank.
He was there and can vouch for everything that happened.
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| Cast
your mind a moment... it was a crisp July afternoon in
the Comp-USA parking lot when Hank and i were vulturing
for a parking spot during one of our 90 minute lunch breaks.
we were rollin' in my F-99 (it used to be an F-150, but
ever since i eclipsed 100,000
miles... it's been fading fast) when i came face to
face with a toyota prius. now while my truck is way past
it's prime, it still has enough pride to back down just
about any foreign made vehicle with an electric motor in
it. so i stomped on the gas, spun the wheel and said "watch
me beat this liberal to the spot!" |
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| Now Hank isn't
one to just let me make vague statements like that without backing
them up, so once i had secured the spot (and he had dug his fingernails
out of the dash) he asked me, "now how is it that you know that
guy is a liberal?" - it is at this point the real story begins. |
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Several
weeks ago, at yet another one of those 90 minute lunches, i
had made
the statement that i think i could pick out a person at random
and tell by their appearance and mannerisms what their political
orientation was. so i looked up and down the people standing
in line waiting to
order
their
$10
lenny's
sandwiches (as if that isn't a huge political filter in itself)
and pointed them out to Hank. now while he would have nothing
of
it, i
felt
rather
secure
in
my
selections.
however, without any "proof" my newfound powers were
brushed off like
a box of chocolates. (you see, that statement is funny b/c
it doesn't make any since.. try and keep up) anyway, the first
real test of my suspected political sensing powers came on
7/27/04 with the "F-99 v Toyota Prius" incident.
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my name
is richard vining, and i DO NOT approve of the above message |
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| you see, the
toyota prius is one of these gas-electric hybrid cars; and while
i'm sure it is very reliable, comfortable, economical and whatever-else-you-want-to-call-it-able...
it's just not what i'm into, and for some reason it's presence
was putting off some serious vibes on my "liberal-dar".
so without thinking any further i decided to move my "i
can pick out a liberal just by looking" hypotheses to the
theory level. |
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so rather
than celebrate my "best parking spot available" victory,
i timed my exit from the victorious F-99 so that i would meet
up with the toyota prius owner in the lot. upon making eye
contact we engaged in the following dialogue.
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me: so,
do you like that car? |
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potential
liberal: why yes |
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me:
it's one of those gas electric hybrids right? |
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potential
liberal: (nods in the affirmative) |
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me: are
you pleased with its performance and reliability? |
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potential
liberal: (nods in the affirmative again... but this
time puts his hand on his head to keep the comb-over from flying
up in the sudden breeze) |
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insert
awkward pause here |
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me:
are you a democrat? |
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potential
liberal: excuse me? (obviously confused by the sudden
change in questioning) |
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me: do
you vote for democrats? |
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this
is where it gets really interesting |
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potential
liberal: (having decided not to beat me up he replies)
the way i see it, why vote for a jackass in elephant clothing
when you can vote for the constitution
party. |
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me: (with
a tom cruise like expression on my face after hearing col.
jessup's answer) uhhh... wow? |
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