10 Worst Halloween Treats |
Ten things that are just "asking for it" |
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| So here it is. A list of the top 10 things NOT to pass out at Halloween if you don't want me coming by later with trick of my own in the form of some premium aged some high-velocity eggs and a pumpkin locater named Louisville Slugger. |
10 |
Toothbrushes | |
| I suppose every neighborhood has at least one in there somewhere - a dentist who just can't stand the thought of kids eating candy all night long and then not having a toothbrush to help clean up the mess afterwards. Thing is, as a kid, when you see a dentists' house from the street you start thinking "whoa, they are really gonna have the good stuff." So not only does getting a toothbrush suck, the "treat-to-expectation" ratio is off the chart. Next time, do us all a favor Mr. Dentist and simply close the blinds and turn off all the lights. I'd rather not waste my time hiking all the way up your beautiful circular driveway. Besides, don't you profit off people not taking good care of their teeth? Growing up, my dentist drove a Ferrari 308... now there's a doctor I knew I could trust. | ||
9 |
Pennies | |
| Pennies. No really... pennies. Did you seriously just drop some pennies into my bag? Hope you got good storm windows because we'll be back later to drop these Abraham's off. And along those lines, remember the poor kids whose parents made them run around with those ridiculous UNICEF boxes. Losers. | ||
8 |
Breakfast Bars | |
| Sad thing about this treat is that it is probably the most expensive gift to give at around $0.56 cents per pop. And while I'm sure that some people pass these things out only as a last resort having run out of candy, they are still a major bummer of a pickup. Gimme some sugar packets or something instead. | ||
7 |
Dum-Dum's | |
| Dum-Dum's are terrible and should be considered an embarrassment by the rest of the sucker producing world. You should know you suck when kids think the best thing about you is the stick you came on. At least you could chew on that and act like you were smoking or something. And what is up with that "Mystery Flavor"? My guess is that it is a mix of all the leftover goo in the bottom of the Dum-Dum vat at the factory. Go Blow-Pop or go home. | ||
6 |
Army Men | |
| While I was a huge army man collector as a kid, the ones you got at Halloween never were up to snuff. They were either melted, molded funny, the wrong color, or not punched out right. Furthermore, if you are going to pass these guys out, you had better give me enough of them to at least start a war. What am I going to do with ONE army man? (other put him inside your pumpkin while your not looking and leave you with a mystery smell the next time you open the door) | ||
5 |
Candy Corn | |
| People either love or hate these things which is why they come in at number 5 on the list. Personally, I kind of like them as as situational food. You know, something you would ONLY eat at Halloween. Like corn-dogs and the Fair, a hotdog and the game, cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving, and fruit cake at Christmas, Candy Corn is the type of treat that, for whatever reason, just sounds right come Halloween. How do I know? Well for Valentines Day a few years back I got some red and white candy corn. I almost barfed. | ||
4 |
Circus Peanuts | |
| Marshmallow pieces of crap. That is all I have to say about these things. They must have been invented in some lab by mistake in the 1960's. And you know a candy is bad when it actually tastes a little better stale than it does fresh. Throw it back. | ||
3 |
Plastic Spider Ring | |
Ok, so the first one is pretty cool. But then you get another... and another... and another. After awhile it just gets old. Furthermore, they never fit right and end up giving you some sort of chemical rash that wont wash off for a week. Seriously, try tossing one into a lit pumpkin next time. They are darn near combustible! |
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2 |
Raisins | |
| Or even worse... golden raisins. Those things look like a sinus infection in a box. I'd rather eat a leftover pumpkin still sitting on your porch come mid-December than even open the box. The only good thing about getting a box of raisins tossed into your bag is using the box as a kazoo after you've dumped all it's contents under the perpetrator's door mat. | ||
#1 |
Anything "Fun Sized" | |
| Let's get this straight - there is NOTHING fun about something that has been "fun sized". Furthermore, how did this concept even come about? Think about it. We live in a country where EVERYTHING we eat has been super-sized, not miniaturized. So why has candy gone the other way? It is puzzling and irritating all at once. Not only because that Nestles Crunch or 100,000 Grand is barely enough to be considered a real bite, but because of all the paperwork involved just to get one open. Each one is like a 30 second project. Go big with your chocolate or don't go at all! | ||
HM |
Those gold wrapped butterscotch things: the taste sticks with you for days | |
| Hard candy disguised as a gum ball: misrepresented candy can cause you to bust a tooth | ||
| Any Fruit : I once got grapes in a damp paper towel | ||
| Chinese Finger Traps : they fall apart after one use | ||
| The dork who does magic tricks at the door instead of passing out candy : go away. you suck and your "magic tricks" are terrible. |
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